In his apology on ESPN Radio, Kobe Bryant claimed that when he referred to referee Bennie Adams as a "f*cking faggot," his words were taken out of context. Though every guy over the age of about eight knows exactly what that word means, Bryant said that he "meant nothing to that effect," practically begging fans "to not take what was said… as a message of hate." This "I didn't mean what you think I meant" defense is common among athletes when they talk to the media, especially when accusations of bigotry are on the table. Just a few weeks ago, when WWE announcer Michael Cole apologized for using the same word in reference to pro wrestler Josh Mathews, he also claimed that his meaning "was not meant as it was taken."
Any guy with half a brain and a modicum of civility knows that using "the F word" is a huge no-no, especially for a professional athlete with Kobe's level of power and influence. It's just not cool, dude. We as a culture do not tolerate this kind of disparaging remark any more, and that's a good thing. It's a sign of progress.
Still I can't help but wonder, how is it that Bryant can use the F word and then say that he didn't mean it in a homophobic way? Maybe this sounds like one of those back-handed "apologies" you give to your girl when you want to make it clear that you're not really sorry for a damn thing: "I'm sorry you were offended." And it certainly wouldn't be out of character coming from a guy who seems to relish answering questions from the media from up high on a podium with that obnoxious, snarky grin on his face.
But is there a way that we can take Kobe at his word in this case?
When Bryant called Adams a faggot, every guy watching understood that he wasn't suggesting that Adams literally likes to take it (or give it) up the butt. He wasn't suggesting that Adams actually likes to dance to Lady Gaga tracks at West Hollywood nightclubs on Friday nights, although perhaps this is a little more to the point. Because any guy, especially a guy who's played sports past Little League, knows that when one man calls another man the F word, he's not really talking about his sexual preferences. What he's actually doing is calling to question his masculinity.
Now, its important to understand how the suggestion that being gay makes a guy something less than a real man is homophobic. No doubt it is, and that's wrong. But it's also important to understand how the F word can be used, and is in fact most often used, as an affront to a man's masculinity in particular, without specific reference to his sexual identity whatsoever.
"Faggot" or, "That's gay" or, "Don't act like a homo" are phrases that a guy hears tossed around on the field and in the locker room with a frequency that can be alarming to the uninitiated. But after you've spent a substantial amount of time in these environments, then you know that these words can be directed indiscriminately and even arbitrarily. Every guy, regardless of whether he is gay or straight, is open to this kind of challenge and open to it equally. For better or for worse, the F word is, more than anything else, a way that guys talk and relate to each other, a way that they organize and regulate masculinity between themselves.
There's a strange way that the preponderance of the F word in sports actually takes the bite out of it. Used as often as it is and in the way that it is actually diminishes, to some degree, the F word's homophobic value and meaning. The more times you hear it, the less offensive and the less personal it starts to sound. Even if it would be foolish to suggest that this somehow makes athletes into poster boys for gay rights, maybe there is something to this.
In fact, when placed in the context of masculinity more than sexuality, the F word positions all men, regardless of whether they are gay or straight, on an even playing field. Recently a buddy of mine, a burly gay man I play pick-up hockey with twice a week, told me that the F word doesn't really even bother him any more. He doesn't see it as an attack that is particular to him in any way, and he simply responds to it in kind: "Do I look like a faggot to you?" Understood in this way, the F word is less a homophobic slur than it is part of that endless game of one-upsmanship that guys play with each other, a type of relationship that is unique and even sacred to men. In this game all guys are invited to play, not as gay men or straight men, but just as guys and as equal participants.
On the other hand, when guys know that a teammate is actually gay, that guy tends to become the last one to be on the receiving end of homophobic remarks, because in his case these remarks could take on a literal homophobic meaning when one is not intended. Incidents like the one involving Kobe Bryant wrongly cause us to forget too quickly how much progress has been made where the lives of actual gay people are concerned. Most guys today have a genuine awareness and even sensitivity about the real issues of homophobia, and the vast majority of F word incidents today only take place between two ostensibly heterosexual men. This alone is a positive sign. Shouldn't discussions about homophobia be primarily concerned with protecting the safety and rights of living, breathing gay people, rather than with a war of words or a pissing contest between two straight guys?