No, no, no. Not like you’re thinking. In fact, ordering pizza — especially Domino’s, ugh — once a day will kill you eventually. But for Jean Wilson, her addiction to shoddy ‘za saved her life.
LITERALLY.
See, Wilson called in an order for Domino’s every single day for the past three years. She became so regular that the pizza delivery people at her local Domino’s prepped her one large pepperoni pizza every single day before she even called.
So one of her regular pizza people, Susan Guy, became a little alarmed when she came into work and Wilson hadn’t rung up the store in a day or so.
“She hadn’t called in three days,” Guy said. “My boss told me about it today.”
Guy told her boss she was rolling out to Wilson’s house to investigate the matter, and after talking to some neighbors, decided to call 911.
The cops showed up, kicked down the door to Wilson’s house and found her lying on the floor. Now she’s in the hospital, in non-critical condition, and according to WMC-TV “investigators said it’s possible her pizza-only diet may have saved her life.”
But, again, NOT BECAUSE DOMINO’S IS HEALTHY OR GOOD IN ANY CONCEIVABLE WAY. It’s because her addiction to little slices of fake pig buttcheeks meant that when she didn’t order a large pepperoni, someone noticed.
That’s not healthy, that’s luck of the freaking draw. I mean, all credit due to Guy for being a good samaritan and all, but you know how this is going to turn out, right?
Oh you don’t? Well, let me tell you: those smarmy goobers on the Domino’s ads are going to make a big show out of this, convince a woman who nearly died to sign an endorsement deal, offer her a lifetime of free pizza and then exploit the living hell out of her en route to another miserable advertising campaign.
Yes, I do think it’s the most indefensible thing in the entire world that Domino’s bases their current ad campaign on the fact that “our product TOTALLY sucked for like 15 years, sooooo sorry about that, but NOW we’re gonna do it up right!” Why do you ask?